Who I Am

People continue to tell me who I am,  as if they know me better than I know myself. That was probably true for a long time. Now that I know that my thoughts and actions have been focused on the wrong thing for the wrong reasons, I have begun to differentiate between what I was doing because it was just how I was trained and what I really want or believe in. My reality was unreal and my fantasies were the real me trying to come out from the place they had been isolated my whole life. They things I dreamt were actually the things that already existed way down inside of me that i had been forced to contain to prevent the abuse i had no idea was occuring.

Like everyone always told me I was negative or that i was a drama queen and over reacted to trivial things. In reality though, I am a very positive person. I try to be grateful for the things I have, despite the things i dont. I am easy to please and dont ask for alot (part of that is how i was trained to be, making sure i wasnt anymore of a burden on anyone) I can smile and joke through most situations. I get emotional sometimes because I am passionate about things that I love and that really matter. I fight for those I love even when I know they wont do the same, which I suppose is also one of my downfalls. I am a nerd and have been most of my life, despite the appearance and attempts at trying to fit in, i do not. I dont really fit in anywhere,  never have and hopefully never will. To conform would be a tragedy. To follow the masses without recognizing my own thoughts and feelings and morals and beliefs would be suicide. I must speak up, I must use my voice. Yes i am some of the things, in fact probably most of the things they say I am. The difference is they are making my character traits that are positive into negative flaws to suit their false beliefs about me. Well thats fine. I dont care one bit what others think about me. My problem is that everybody else cares what everybody else thinks about me, they spread rumors and lies, gossip like high school girls, and use the system and any one else they feel they need to acheive whatever it is they are hoping to gain. It doesnt matter the cost to the others involved. It ends up being a bunch of selfish narcissists teaming up together, knowingly or not, to acheive a goal. They will eliminate eachother one by one until they are the last one standing no matter what the cost. If your like me, you were so totally blind sided by the leap to the twilight zone you still cant see straight. Your reality has now become like a movie, the matrix only you took both pills. 
All of the things in my life I have been through and Im still surprisingly just as crazy as i have always been only now im fully aware of the evil and im still positive most of the time. I see beauty in the world, I have a deep down sense that its all OK for lack of a better description. Its a calming reassuring feeling that lets me know that I am right where i need to be, even if I dont know why. I can look back on my entire life and see the events that have all been leading me to right now, right here. As much as it hurts me and as badly as I miss her, I believe she knows what is happening and is far stronger than anyone of us really knows. I hurt for her, but when i feel really down, she lets me know she loves me by sending me hearts in everything i look at. Even making sure others see it knowing I would likely talk myself out of believing it was really her sending them. She has made sure that her attempts are known and quite obvious for others as well as me. If she can do that I can only imagine what she is really capable of. She is amazing and she would not want me to back down either. She would want me to fight for what i truly believed was right. She is fighting with me, i feel it. I have faith in my children and I have faith in myself. I have faith that what is meant to be will be and that one day soon they will both be coming home to me

Cyn2017§