My Mind

My mind cant begin to imagine not hearing the sound of her voice, or seeing her smile, or laughing at her jokes. I don´t know what I´m going to do if i have to keep being alive without her. I have just existed through this whole thing, just going through the motions and trying to stay positive and take it day by day. I know i have trauma from the events that have took place so far in my life. From the abusive relationships, to finding out my mom was the ¨crazy¨ one even though everyone said I was. I always wondered if I was the only sane one or the crazy one like they said. It still is hard for me to remind myself to trust myself sometimes instead of always doubting and thinking i was probably wrong or will be. I may not have totally dealt with my demons and my scars have only begun to show, the hardest part may still be yet to come. On my 36 birthday, I will stand in front of a Juvenile court judge and defend myself against allegations that i am a danger to my daughter made by my mother. A mother who has been hell bent on destroyed my life and taking my children since the day they were born, while I made it easy for her by being completely sure that my ¨mother¨ would never betray me. She was always suppose to be behind me and love me unconditionally. Now I know she has never loved me, she can never love me. She, as a socio-pathic narcissist, is not capable of that. It isn´t necessarily her fault but nonetheless, it has caused an extremely harmful and traumatizing experience for both me and my daughter. If my mother, who is the foster mother for her as well, is allowed to continue to keep this hold on us, there will be emotional and psychological damages to us that will never be repaired. Even the top experts on parental alienation and what is happening to us say we have an almost zero chance to gain back what is being taking from our bond and lives together and separately. I do need to talk to a counselor as does my daughter, however she is and has been being diagnosed incorrectly from the beginning and has only made an already harmful, traumatizing situation worse. We should be in therapy together as well as individually. It has been admitted by even the GAL that she knows I love my children, and it is widely accepted that the bonds of natural affection between children and their parents lead parents to act in the best interest of their kids. That is the norm not the exception. We are not the exception. I have proven I am a fit parent, the State has not proven that I am not, and my daughter is intelligent enough to know that I am not a danger to her which is why she has repeatedly asked to see me and live with me and her voice has been ignored as well as mine. The only one being listened to is the one who is destroying my family with lies and manipulation and the ¨professionals¨ are being fooled into assisting her. Perhaps this has never been something they have dealt with previously just as i had never known this could happen nor that it does happen every day in this country and this world. However, even if that is the case, which i suspect otherwise, now is the time to wake up and learn something. My family is not the only family this happens in. Most times it is happening in divorce issues however, whereas in this case it is a situation slightly different as it is my mother, her grandmother, the foster parent that is guilty of alienation and manipulation, forgery and lying to get her way and destroy the scapegoat, which is and always has been me. I am pleading to save us. My daughter and I both. I don´t want to die, but i don´t know how I will live with the pain and heartache forced upon me and my child if this is allowed to continue or if we lose each other entirely. She needs me and I need her. Her birth gave me life and now I face that life being stripped from me unjustly along with being beaten by my ex fiance, and abused by my mother and daughters father and tortured and harassed by the state. My birthday is also going to be the day of my death metaphorically unless the only person with the power to stop it has the courage and faith to do so.